Posted by Rystefn on September 27, 2008
I am dictating this post to my very close friend, Sabrina. She didn’t want me to say anything, but I insisted. I’m stubborn that way, I suppose. The pain has been increasing drastically of late, and my fine motor control suffers greatly. It’s been all I could do to post a few short comments today, and I could not make this post on my own. If there are any mistakes, please do not hold her accountable, they are my own and not hers.
I apologize for my absence lately… I could blame the hurricane, but that would be dishonest. It was the smallest part. I have been a coward trying to avoid facing the reality of what is happening to me. I have outlived expectations by almost a month at this point, probably more through stubbornness than anything else. I cannot expect it to last much longer. I’m no doctor, so I won’t hazard to guess how long I have, but I do not imagine it to be long. I am in pain to the point that even breathing is a chore and a struggle. I cannot trust by body to follow instructions and cannot rely on it to even walk more than a few step at a time without aid. My vision is unreliable, at best.
I want you all to know that you’re very important to me. So very many of you have helped me through this terrible time, and I owe you more than I can say. It seems so wrong, after the life I’ve led, that I’ll almost certainly die in my bed. I’d like to thank those of you who followed my request to do something new and to tell me about it. It warms my heart to know you’re not all so lost to the world that you can’t shake free for at least a moment. In recognition of this, I’m going to take a break from tradition, and respond to your last requests. Ask and I’ll do whatever I am actually physically capable of accomplishing. All requests are honored within my limited capacities. Not I didn’t say “within reason.” I don’t gives a damn about reason. Keep in mind that I not long ago spent a rather large sum of money on an extravagant present for someone, so if your request is expensive, I’ll have to pass.
I don’t expect to be posting here myself again (hence the name of the post), but if Sabrina is willing (I am), I’ll ask her to make appropriate posts later as required by your requests, and to make replies to the comments here if needed.
In parting, I’d like you to please remember that I love you all.
Posted in Hope, Living every day like it's the last | Tagged: last requests, love | 4 Comments »
Posted by Rystefn on September 9, 2008
This isn’t the first post I’ve had difficulty writing. This isn’t the first time I’ve delayed writing something because putting something baddownin words makes it feel more real. This is a post I feel I must write, though, and time is not my friend. It becomes clearer and clearer to me every day just how few chances I have left to say the things that need to be said. Every day, the fight to stay and finish the last things I have to do becomes harder. So now I have to face that fact that I will not be able to finish them all. This will be rather more melancholy than my last list, and for that I apologize, but here is the list of things I regret…
- I regret that there are so many wonderful people out there I will never meet
- I regret that there are places I’ve never been
- I regret the wrongs I’ve done which cannot be undone
- I regret the wrongs I could have undone but did not
- I regret that there are so many in the preceding category
- I regret that my daughter died before me
- I regret the violence I’ve done
- I regret that I was a thief
- I regret that I couldn’t make my wife happy
- I regret that I will never finish my story
- I regret half-finished painting
- I regret that I’ve never swam with sea lions
- I regret that I cannot say goodbye to L
- I regret that I will never raise a child
- I regret every name I’ve ever forgotten
- I regret that I didn’t carve her name into the side of a mountain in mile-high letters
- I regret the stories I said I’d write but haven’t
- I regret words left unsaid
Mostly, though, I regret that I was never good enough for my Dove. Of all the things left undone in my life, the things I really could have changed, nothing hurts so much as the knowledge that I promised her that I would always be there for her, that if she ever needed for anything, I would always be waiting… and I failed. I’ve had good frineds in my life, and I’ve knownlove beyond any words I could ever say. I’ve never deserved any of it. If any of you evermeet her again after I am gone, let her know that I loved her. That is the only truly good thing I can claim, the only real value in my life. If she misses me after I’m gone, please tell her not to cry – I’ve shed enough tears for the both of us.
Posted in Living every day like it's the last, love, regrets | Tagged: endings, love, regrets | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Rystefn on August 20, 2008
So I’ve gone another far too long without writing. I guess I just didn’t want to replace such an upbeat post as the latest. Health problems have been creating issues here lately, and I’ve been failing more and more catastrophically at my goal of not dwelling on what’s happening. In my irrepressible Rystefn fashion, I’ve been trying to twist that into something worthwhile, though. We all know that we are mortal, at least, those of us who aren’t living in a fantasy world, anyway. Few of us, however, are given to know, even in the broadest sense, how long we might have. Some of you may have noticed that my online presence at night has all but disappeared this last week or so. I’ve taken to caring a bit more about what I leave behind me, and I’ve been using my nights to say goodbye while I still can. Some people have begun to notice that I look unwell, and since I still stand my purpose of keeping this out of certain ears, my time to do so is rather more limited than the already short time I might otherwise have.
I’ve tried to live my life with no regrets, and I’ve been far more successful than most people on that front, I think. Now, I’m trying to remedy the last few, and to make sure I don’t collect any new ones in the time I have left. I’m not sure if there’s a word that’s the opposite of regret in English, but here is a list of things that I opposite of regret.
- My last words to my grandmother before she died were “I love you.”
- I have stood inside buildings crafted by humans before even the seeds of my own culture were sown.
- I have seen, in person, the work of such masters as DaVinci and Michelangelo.
- I have made love with a beautiful woman in the rain.
- I have chopped down a tree with an axe.
- I have sailed so far that I couldn’t see the lights of the shore and gazed up at the uncounted stars.
- I have created works of art which will live on beyond me.
- I have been moved to tears by music.
- I have lived on a continent other than the one on which I was born.
- I have spoken to people who do not understand a word of my native language.
- I have changed my mind.
- My mind has been changed by others.
- I spent the last penny I had…
- …on a woman.
- I raised animals for several generations in the same bloodline, seeing reproduction with variation with my own eyes.
- I cried when some of them were selected against.
- I have been to parties so good that I’m not sure how they ended.
- I spent ten thousand dollars on a party once.
- I have fired a cannon.
- I remember every person I have ever slept with…
- …I have never counted them.
- The language “barrier” is not high enough to stop me from having sex with someone with whom I did not share a tongue. Some things need no words.
- I made homemade jam.
- I’ve worn a space suit
- As a practical joke, I’ve left two wills with mutually exclusive instructions on how to deal with my remains.
- When I say, “I’ll be there with bells on,” it’s not an expression.
- I don’t know what it’s like to blend into a crowd.
- I have lived up to my philosophy that if you there are not people in your life that hate you, you’re living it wrong.
- I have known love in my life. I’ve loved and been loved. This, above all, has made my life worth something.
I hope that I can fill my last days with as much joy as I’ve known so far. You’ve all helped me on that front, and I thank you.
Posted in Living every day like it's the last, love, regrets | Tagged: list, love, regrets | 14 Comments »
Posted by Rystefn on August 5, 2008
So it’s been over a week since my last post – the longest absence I’ve had so far, I think. I’ve started writing this post six times so far, and every time I just can’t seem to get through it. I’m in pretty constant pain these days, and there’s not much I can do to lessen it, but that’s not really the reason I haven’t been posting. I’ve dealt with a lot of pain in my life, a great deal of it much more severe than this. Honestly, I’ve enjoyed much more severe pain than this under other circumstances… being a pretty severe masochist does wonders for one’s ability to handle pain. Physical pain, anyway… See what I’m doing here? I’m beating around the bush, as they say. Rambling on about frivolities rather than saying what I’m here to say. Like avoiding the subject will somehow keep the hurt away. Nothing will keep the hurt away. They say time heals all wounds, and while I disagree, it does seem to heal most of them sooner or later… I don’t think I have anything like enough time left to heal this one. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in love | Tagged: death, last words, Loss, love, quiet | 32 Comments »
Posted by Rystefn on July 8, 2008
Have you ever loved someone, but did not get along with their family? Most of us have to some degree or another. We go to family gatherings and try to be civil out of respect for our loved one, but we just don’t like that certain relative. It is Jenny’s mother in this case. We have never seen eye to eye on a great many issues, and she certainly never approved of me introducing her daughter into my world. She was a good Catholic girl before we met, the way I hear it. My lifestyle, my friends, my music, my philosophy and belief system, all corrupted her little girl…
Sometimes it takes a tragedy for people to see what they hold in common. Last week, we didn’t get along. Next week, we may not get along again. Today, though, we were the same. United in love and loss, we finally saw in each other what Jenny had seen in us all along. Anyone who loves so much… so fully… Whatever she feared from me, she only ever wished the best for her daughter, and that makes her a good person in my eyes.
I don’t do well at funerals. I hate them with a passion, in point of fact. This one no less so. Her family did what they do in these situations, what they thought best. Tasteful, respectful, solemn and appropriate. I think they would not approve of the service I’m holding tonight, but I think Jenny would. So now I’m off, to remember her the way I want to be remembered: strong, vibrant, joyous. Alive.
We will sing and dance and drink and build a dangerously large bonfire. We will shout and party, and remember her in words and music. We’ll throw such a funeral that the cops will have to break it up. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, don’t worry – her mother said she’s post my bail.
Posted in Living every day like it's the last, love | Tagged: Family, Loss, love | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Rystefn on July 6, 2008
It happened early this morning. At around 4:20am CST, my Darling Jenny passed away. I’ve seen people die before, but never someone so close to me… there aren’t many so close to me in the first place. At the end, she touched my face and smiled, a memory I’ll treasure forever. She was many things to me, both teacher and student, friend and lover. She knew things about me no one else knew. Probably not even me.
She was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, and could easily have made me feel stupid – but she never did. She found a pure and overwhelming joy in knowledge, and loved both to teach and to learn. She soaked up information from everyone around her, and radiated it like a star. Alone of my close friends, she put all the pieces together. She first met me as I am now, but she figured out who I was before… likely from the very beginning.
Her voice was like a choir of angels. People have told me that when I sing, I affect people’s emotions, but Jenny could draw tears from a stone. She says it was me who first drew her to the music, but I know it was always in her soul. Maybe I was in the right place at the right time, but it was always in her, and nothing could have stopped it from coming out.
I have never in my life met a kinder or a gentler person. Jenny didn’t even know how to raise her voice in anger. She genuinely loved everyone she met, and I like to think they all loved her back. I know I do.
She never knew why, but this song always reminded me of her… she couldn’t see that it was about her.
Farewell, sweet earth and northern sky,
Forever blessed since here did lie,
And here with lissom limb did run,
Beneath the moon, beneath the sun,
More fair than mortal tongue can tell.
Though all to ruin fell the world,
And were dissolved and backward hurled,
Unmade, into the old abyss;
Yet were it’s making good for this:
The dusk, the dawn, the earth, the sea,
That Luthein, for a time, should be.
The world is a darker, sadder place now, and it pains me that I ever lived long enough to see a world without her in it.
Posted in love | Tagged: Beauty, Caring, Joy, Kindness, Knowledge, Learning, Loss, love, Music, Song | 2 Comments »
Posted by Rystefn on July 1, 2008
Have you ever hated yourself? I don’t mean the whiny, emo kind of hating yourself, or them frustrated with where your life wound up kind of hating yourself. I mean, have you ever done something so vile that you couldn’t stand the thought of being yourself? I’m rather of the opinion that almost no one has. Few of us have the capacity to question ourselves to this degree, and we’ve pre-rationalized the way we operate long before we get to something specific that would make us feel that way. Extraordinary situations, however, can cause extraordinary reactions. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in love, regrets | Tagged: Hate, love, Travel | 17 Comments »
Posted by Rystefn on June 26, 2008
So I felt like I should say something today, but I’m really not in the mood for writing. Instead, here’s a video I made a while back.
Posted in love | Tagged: love, Tired, Video | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Rystefn on June 20, 2008
A lot of the people I know are in favor of it for a plethora of reasons: the millions of children who have to make do, the self-employed who can’t afford the non-group rates, the artificial inflation of pricing to the non-insured so that insurance companies can have the 90% discounts they demand, the forcing of people to have older, outdated procedures because they’re cheaper… I have a different reason. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Emo | Tagged: health care, insurance, Life, love | 7 Comments »