The Last Road

Living every day like it's the last… because one day, it will be.

Posts Tagged ‘Loss’

The Quiet

Posted by Rystefn on August 5, 2008

So it’s been over a week since my last post – the longest absence I’ve had so far, I think. I’ve started writing this post six times so far, and every time I just can’t seem to get through it. I’m in pretty constant pain these days, and there’s not much I can do to lessen it, but that’s not really the reason I haven’t been posting. I’ve dealt with a lot of pain in my life, a great deal of it much more severe than this. Honestly, I’ve enjoyed much more severe pain than this under other circumstances… being a pretty severe masochist does wonders for one’s ability to handle pain. Physical pain, anyway… See what I’m doing here? I’m beating around the bush, as they say. Rambling on about frivolities rather than saying what I’m here to say. Like avoiding the subject will somehow keep the hurt away. Nothing will keep the hurt away. They say time heals all wounds, and while I disagree, it does seem to heal most of them sooner or later… I don’t think I have anything like enough time left to heal this one. Read the rest of this entry »

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How to remember

Posted by Rystefn on July 8, 2008

Have you ever loved someone, but did not get along with their family? Most of us have to some degree or another. We go to family gatherings and try to be civil out of respect for our loved one, but we just don’t like that certain relative. It is Jenny’s mother in this case. We have never seen eye to eye on a great many issues, and she certainly never approved of me introducing her daughter into my world. She was a good Catholic girl before we met, the way I hear it. My lifestyle, my friends, my music, my philosophy and belief system, all corrupted her little girl…

Sometimes it takes a tragedy for people to see what they hold in common. Last week, we didn’t get along. Next week, we may not get along again. Today, though, we were the same. United in love and loss, we finally saw in each other what Jenny had seen in us all along. Anyone who loves so much… so fully… Whatever she feared from me, she only ever wished the best for her daughter, and that makes her a good person in my eyes.

I don’t do well at funerals. I hate them with a passion, in point of fact. This one no less so. Her family did what they do in these situations, what they thought best. Tasteful, respectful, solemn and appropriate. I think they would not approve of the service I’m holding tonight, but I think Jenny would. So now I’m off, to remember her the way I want to be remembered: strong, vibrant, joyous. Alive.

We will sing and dance and drink and build a dangerously large bonfire. We will shout and party, and remember her in words and music. We’ll throw such a funeral that the cops will have to break it up. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, don’t worry – her mother said she’s post my bail.

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Farewell

Posted by Rystefn on July 6, 2008

It happened early this morning. At around 4:20am CST, my Darling Jenny passed away. I’ve seen people die before, but never someone so close to me… there aren’t many so close to me in the first place. At the end, she touched my face and smiled, a memory I’ll treasure forever. She was many things to me, both teacher and student, friend and lover. She knew things about me no one else knew. Probably not even me.

She was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, and could easily have made me feel stupid – but she never did. She found a pure and overwhelming joy in knowledge, and loved both to teach and to learn. She soaked up information from everyone around her, and radiated it like a star. Alone of my close friends, she put all the pieces together. She first met me as I am now, but she figured out who I was before… likely from the very beginning.

Her voice was like a choir of angels. People have told me that when I sing, I affect people’s emotions, but Jenny could draw tears from a stone. She says it was me who first drew her to the music, but I know it was always in her soul. Maybe I was in the right place at the right time, but it was always in her, and nothing could have stopped it from coming out.

I have never in my life met a kinder or a gentler person. Jenny didn’t even know how to raise her voice in anger. She genuinely loved everyone she met, and I like to think they all loved her back. I know I do.

She never knew why, but this song always reminded me of her… she couldn’t see that it was about her.

Farewell, sweet earth and northern sky,
Forever blessed since here did lie,
And here with lissom limb did run,
Beneath the moon, beneath the sun,
Luthein Tinuviel,
More fair than mortal tongue can tell.

Though all to ruin fell the world,
And were dissolved and backward hurled,
Unmade, into the old abyss;
Yet were it’s making good for this:
The dusk, the dawn, the earth, the sea,
That Luthein, for a time, should be.

The world is a darker, sadder place now, and it pains me that I ever lived long enough to see a world without her in it.

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