Why I am Polyamorous (and you should be, too)
Posted by Rystefn on October 15, 2012
I’m going to skip over the life story on this one, because it’s not important, and you don’t care anyway. The short version is this: I used to pretend to be a jealous asshole, because that’s what worked. That’s what people expected, and for some fucking reason, that’s what the ladies wanted. Eventually, I got tired of it. I don’t particularly like moderating my behavior for the benefit of other people, so I guess it was inevitable that I would drop the pretense sooner or later.
I’m an asshole, make no mistake, but I’m not jealous. Not even the tiniest little bit. People always try to tell me things like “jealousy is universal” or “everyone gets jealous” and I want to slap them in their stupid faces (see? Asshole) for putting their own bullshit on the whole human race. I literally do not care if my girlfriend is sleeping with someone else. (She is, by the way, more than one.) Pretty hypocrite I’d be if I did, considering how often I’ve slept with other people’s girlfriends.
Which brings me to the part where I talk about why you should open your relationships. Even you do get jealous (and you probably do), you should still have an open relationship, because it’s not doing any good. Probably the opposite of good, in fact. If this is the part where you expect me to go into polyamory being more fulfilling and everyone getting their needs met and that sort of thing, you’re wrong. This is the part where I lay down some cold, ugly pragmatism: I will fuck your girlfriend.
Your jealousy cannot change that fact. I don’t care if it hurts your feelings. In that moment, your feelings are the farthest thing from my mind. As far as I’m concerned, you may as well not even exist. Your jealousy might hurt you later; it might hurt her later; Hell, it might even hurt me later. In that moment, though, it is completely impotent, and later will be too late to stop it.
Note, this is not me bragging or making myself out to be this irresistible sex-magnet. I’m not that I, specifically, will sleep with specifically your girlfriend (although I absolutely would if I found her attractive and she was willing). I’m saying that there is someone, or many someones, out there your significant other will sleep with besides you. That person probably has no loyalty to you, and even if they do, they’ll be thinking of something else at the time. Maybe it’s the friend they’ve been nursing a secret crush on for years. Maybe it’s that hottie at the next table when they go out. Maybe it’s an old flame that wanders back into their life. The point is that that person is out there. Nothing you do or don’t do will stop them from having sex.
So what are you going to do about it? Are you going be a jealous and possessive shitbag? That’s probably your initial response. It’s also stupid. It fosters the impression that your relationship is hostile and competitive. That someone must be in control. Do you know what’s going to happen when the other person decides they want to be in control for a change? When the stakes are high enough, everyone will cheat to win.
Now, I imagine a lot of you are saying to yourselves, “is he really suggesting that I should allow my significant other to sleep with other people to prevent them from sleeping with other people? That’s insane!” If you are, you may want to go back and reread what I’ve written so far. Specifically, the part where I said “nothing you do or don’t do will stop them from having sex.” What I’m suggesting is that you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble and a lot of pain if you just fucking accept that this is how it is and get over your shit.
The simple fact is that the person you’re with will fuck someone else, whether you like it or not. You know that thing some couples do where people get a list of five or ten celebrities they’re allowed to sleep with and the other person isn’t allowed to get upset? That’s people paying lip service to this truth. Of course, they always want to make sure it’s a list of people it will never happen with, and if they’re wrong, they’ll flip out anyway. Despite the fact that everyone will cheat, given the right circumstances, mostly, they think they’re special, and no one else should be allowed to. This is utter bullshit.
There’s only a very, very tiny group of people in this world who never get cheated on. It’s not the most extremely jealous and controlling. I point this out because, even though most people would look at that statement and tell you it’s very obvious, you’d never be able to tell based on how they act. So who is it that never gets cheated on? It’s me. Me and people like me. It’s only cheating if you break the rules, and I never make a rule against sleeping with other people.
In short, you should be a polyamorist because you already are one, so you may as well stop pretending. Closing your eyes and plugging your ears while shouting “cheating is eeeeevil!” doesn’t change anything except advertise that you live in a world of make-believe. Yeah, there’s lots of other children living in there with you, but the real world is still real, and when real and pretend collide, real always wins. Maybe it’s hard for you to face the real world, but that doesn’t make it less real, and no matter how hard you close your eyes, people who like each other are still going to fuck sometimes. So get your head out of your ass and wake the fuck up.