Posted by Rystefn on October 22, 2008
So, lots of questions. Less hate than I expected, really. Far less than I deserve.
First, Sabrina is a real person. She is neither an actress nor a writer. She was more or less gang-pressed into this, and really didn’t want to do it. I’d rather you be ten times as angry with me than to take anything out on her. Everything she said about me, our relationship, and how she felt about the things you said was true. Every message she relayed back to you is what I said. I haven’t had any direct interaction with this site in quite some time. To all of you who showed her kindness and sympathy, I can’t think you enough. She really needed it, though not for the reasons you believed.
Anthroslug – the point I was trying to make is unimportant just now, but it was not about trust and it was not about the fictions in relationships. There was a great deal more to the story. Death was the beginning of the tale, so to speak. Regardless, I think going into all that now would be counter-productive.
Bee – People were the wrong audience for this. Belief in it was never the point. Taking the events for real was the venue I chose, not the purpose of the exercise. I felt that taking as much of the narrative out of my hands as possible would make it more organic. More true. Every artist aspires to make the audience feel, but my method in this was needlessly cruel. Sadly, you know how I am when I get an idea into my head…
Bug Girl – I can’t argue with your assessment
Joy – Maybe one day I’ll spell it all out, but not today. I’m far too close to all this right now.
Jeni – You’re right, and that’s why I stopped. To answer your questions: 1) Yes, Sabrina exists, and I’ll thank you to not be harsh with her. What I did to her is likely far more traumatic than anything I could possibly have done to you. 2) Against her better judgment, yes. 3) The point was to tell a story and hopefully to convey a message. Neither the story nor the message are important right now, nor were they ever important enough for this method.
Jill – I have never claimed to be otherwise, but this was over the top, even for me, and I will not ever try to say different.
Bee – It was art, not science, and that, more than anything, makes it NOT ok.
Tracy – I flew to New York to see my friends because I wanted to see my friends. Not that I’m under any sort of illusion that many have remained my friends, but the fault there is mine and mine alone. I knew that it was my last and only chance to meet and spend time with a group of people I truly came to care about. I know you have no reason to believe it, but the Rystefn you knew was 100% me. Those were all my real feelings, my real opinions, and my real experiences. I really cared, and still do, about you. All of you. What you think, what you feel, what you care about. That’s why I stopped. Feel free to not believe me. I’ve done little to earn your trust, and I can’t blame you for your doubt. Fame was never my goal, nor will it ever be. There are much easier ways to get your name out there. I did better at making myself recognized by arguing on SkepChick than I ever could have with this little blog, I’m sure. Please understand, had there been more public mourning, I likely would have ended this much sooner. As I said, my goal was not to hurt people, and in the end, it was seeing the pain I did cause, and the realization that it could not be worth it that made me end it.
Bug Girl – I haven’t deleted anything. I spent the last few days with my family, and anything caught in the moderation filter didn’t get through.
Phlebas – If it makes you feel any better, I’m not really a part of this Skeptics movement, and I’ve never claimed to be. If someone ever tries to use this as ammo against you (I doubt enough people will ever know for that to happen), just dismiss it as the actions of an aberrant crazy person.
Kay – Every word except for my own illness was true. I’m not a good enough actor to have even tried to carry this off otherwise. That is, of course, why it was so easy for me get so close, to build personal friendships, and to care enough to stop it. Again, maybe one day I’ll tell the rest of the tale, or at least explain what it was to have been, but not today.
Killyosaur – I knew it was a mistake to drag it out when I did, but walking away from so many friends is never easy. Yet another point when I should have realized how wrong I was. If you take something good or useful, or even interesting, from this, then I suppose it’s a good thing, but I cannot think that it was justified.
B – You’re right, it is mean. Far too mean to justify the art in it. I am the real Rystefn, and everything you see of me here is really me. The things I relate really happened. The problems in my life are my real problems. My list of regrets are the parts of my life I would really wish to have changed. Rystefn is not the fiction, only the physical illness was.
SteveT – I really hate to change the tone of this post like this, but there is no other response I can think of besides this: I told you all of that myself. Still, if it makes you feel any better at least find some small comfort in the knowledge that my own mental well-being hasn’t exactly come out of this completely intact.
To all of you who were hurt by this, please feel free to hate me or dismiss me, I certainly deserve no better from any of you.