The Last Road

Living every day like it's the last… because one day, it will be.

Answers

Posted by Rystefn on October 22, 2008

So, lots of questions. Less hate than I expected, really. Far less than I deserve.

First, Sabrina is a real person. She is neither an actress nor a writer. She was more or less gang-pressed into this, and really didn’t want to do it. I’d rather you be ten times as angry with me than to take anything out on her. Everything she said about me, our relationship, and how she felt about the things you said was true. Every message she relayed back to you is what I said. I haven’t had any direct interaction with this site in quite some time. To all of you who showed her kindness and sympathy, I can’t think you enough. She really needed it, though not for the reasons you believed.

Anthroslug – the point I was trying to make is unimportant just now, but it was not about trust and it was not about the fictions in relationships. There was a great deal more to the story. Death was the beginning of the tale, so to speak. Regardless, I think going into all that now would be counter-productive.

Bee – People were the wrong audience for this. Belief in it was never the point. Taking the events for real was the venue I chose, not the purpose of the exercise. I felt that taking as much of the narrative out of my hands as possible would make it more organic. More true. Every artist aspires to make the audience feel, but my method in this was needlessly cruel. Sadly, you know how I am when I get an idea into my head…

Bug Girl – I can’t argue with your assessment

Joy – Maybe one day I’ll spell it all out, but not today. I’m far too close to all this right now.

Jeni – You’re right, and that’s why I stopped. To answer your questions: 1) Yes, Sabrina exists, and I’ll thank you to not be harsh with her. What I did to her is likely far more traumatic than anything I could possibly have done to you. 2) Against her better judgment, yes. 3) The point was to tell a story and hopefully to convey a message. Neither the story nor the message are important right now, nor were they ever important enough for this method.

Jill – I have never claimed to be otherwise, but this was over the top, even for me, and I will not ever try to say different.

Bee – It was art, not science, and that, more than anything, makes it NOT ok.

Tracy – I flew to New York to see my friends because I wanted to see my friends. Not that I’m under any sort of illusion that many have remained my friends, but the fault there is mine and mine alone. I knew that it was my last and only chance to meet and spend time with a group of people I truly came to care about. I know you have no reason to believe it, but the Rystefn you knew was 100% me. Those were all my real feelings, my real opinions, and my real experiences. I really cared, and still do, about you. All of you. What you think, what you feel, what you care about. That’s why I stopped. Feel free to not believe me. I’ve done little to earn your trust, and I can’t blame you for your doubt. Fame was never my goal, nor will it ever be. There are much easier ways to get your name out there. I did better at making myself recognized by arguing on SkepChick than I ever could have with this little blog, I’m sure. Please understand, had there been more public mourning, I likely would have ended this much sooner. As I said, my goal was not to hurt people, and in the end, it was seeing the pain I did cause, and the realization that it could not be worth it that made me end it.

Bug Girl – I haven’t deleted anything. I spent the last few days with my family, and anything caught in the moderation filter didn’t get through.

Phlebas – If it makes you feel any better, I’m not really a part of this Skeptics movement, and I’ve never claimed to be. If someone ever tries to use this as ammo against you (I doubt enough people will ever know for that to happen), just dismiss it as the actions of an aberrant crazy person.

Kay – Every word except for my own illness was true. I’m not a good enough actor to have even tried to carry this off otherwise. That is, of course, why it was so easy for me get so close, to build personal friendships, and to care enough to stop it. Again, maybe one day I’ll tell the rest of the tale, or at least explain what it was to have been, but not today.

Killyosaur – I knew it was a mistake to drag it out when I did, but walking away from so many friends is never easy. Yet another point when I should have realized how wrong I was. If you take something good or useful, or even interesting, from this, then I suppose it’s a good thing, but I cannot think that it was justified.

B – You’re right, it is mean. Far too mean to justify the art in it. I am the real Rystefn, and everything you see of me here is really me. The things I relate really happened. The problems in my life are my real problems. My list of regrets are the parts of my life I would really wish to have changed. Rystefn is not the fiction, only the physical illness was.

SteveT – I really hate to change the tone of this post like this, but there is no other response I can think of besides this: I told you all of that myself. Still, if it makes you feel any better at least find some small comfort in the knowledge that my own mental well-being hasn’t exactly come out of this completely intact.

To all of you who were hurt by this, please feel free to hate me or dismiss me, I certainly deserve no better from any of you.

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13 Responses to “Answers”

  1. So in other words you have no explanation (or haven’t thought one up yet).

    You know, I wasn’t mad, but I’m a little mad now that the people you did upset have asked for an explanation and you’re continuing to dick them around with this arseholery of “not right now, maybe later”. Those emotionally-invested friends that you’re ever so “concerned” about are asking something pretty darn small of you and you’re unwilling to even do that for them. I really have to question the honesty of your remorse at this point, because it’s just so silly not to explain yourself.

    This isn’t all about you. It’s about them too. They’re involved. You did that. Deal with it.

    PS…Not that I want a rant of gallantry, but Sabrina is an adult and she didn’t have to participate short of being coerced at gunpoint if she didn’t want to. She should be able to take her licks like an adult, IMO.

    PPS…Or is this some sort of metaprank, where you actually recorded that a month ago and now people are here saying some dead guy is a prick?

  2. lekhyp said

    I agree with everything Kimbo Jones said. The very least you owe everyone is a goddamn explanation.

  3. Rystefn said

    Kimbo, when you knoow everyone and everything involved, then you can talk about who deserves a share of the blame. At this point, there’s only one person who does know all of that, and that person is me. I’m not about to go airing out everyone else’s personal lives here, so you’re just going to have to deal with that. If you don’t like it, I honestly don’t give a damn. If you never believe anything else I ever tell you, believe this: I care more about that girl than everything and everyone you will ever know. If you have something harsh to say to her, you may as well walk around random cities shouting it at the top of your lungs, because she’s more likely to hear it that way than from you trying to go through me.

    Yeah, my remorse and my regret only goes so far, and it’s not far enough for me to let you vent your frustrations on Sabrina. If that pushes you from a little mad to full-on hate, I’m prepared to live with that. I’ll take your hate, and the hate of every other human being who’s ever read this blog, over seeing a single tear in her eye.

    If you can’t handle that, you can get the fuck gone. You can say something to her about it over my cold, rotting corpse.

  4. Rystefn, since you won’t tell anyone anything, I can only comment on what you’ve said. So don’t act like you’re so morally superior, especially given recent circumstances.

    If someone does something, they share responsibility for it with any other participant. That’s harsh?! I think that’s pretty tame, actually. Pointing out responsibility is probably the least harsh thing I could have said and has nothing whatsoever to do with me knowing anyone or their personal lives. Your theatrics with all the martyrdom and gallantry is not going to distract from the involvement of your accomplices. I simply pointed that out.

    There’s really nothing for me to “handle”, I’m pretty ambivalent about the whole thing at this point. Just because I present a point of view doesn’t mean I’m deeply emotionally invested in what I’m saying. But your comment tries to make this about me — *I* can’t handle whatever, *I’m* talking about people I shouldn’t, *I* don’t like your decisions, *I* have something harsh to say, etc. This is not MY problem and I didn’t say any of that. That was all your interpretation of my statement.

    By the way, I was perfectly calm when I wrote this and my last comment. I’m not angry. I don’t care enough to be. I’m pretty neutral so don’t treat me as if I’m some nutbag who’s flipping out.

  5. Rystefn said

    I never claimed to be morally superior, I’m just telling you where everything stands. I don’t care how invested you may or may not be, nor how upset you may or may not be. I do care, however, about Sabrina, and so long as you think you have something to say on that subject, then you get to say nothing.

    Your comments are now being screened. I’m sure you don’t care very much, and that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s not about you, it’s about her.

  6. Darwinfan said

    seriously man. why. why? I just don’t follow. I didn’t invest much emotion, but I was sad to hear that you had “passed away”… but it is with mixed emotions that i hear it is a hoax. I just don’t understand the why. Obviously the interwebs is a crazy distorted place where reality checks itself at the door, but you had actually met some skepchicks in real life, and had befriended a lot of others. So I am eagerly looking forward to the “results” of this experiment, if there are any. Was the point that us skepchicks should be skeptical of everything… including one another’s deaths? i think that takes it a bit too far. That’s not skepticism. you’re treading on people’s compassion at that point. I eagerly await the results of your “experiment”. I hope that there was some point to it. I really do.

  7. Rystefn said

    It was not an experiment. It was an attempt to tell a story.

  8. Kay said

    I, for one, would love to hear the story.

    At least the planned story.

    Because I am curious.
    and
    Because I like stories.

  9. Sabrina is clearly a fucking weak ass skag for going along with your bullshit. Oh, gee… it’s about “her”. Look, I know you really care about that RealDoll you call a girlfriend, but get a grip, dude. It’s about you. It’s always been about you, it always will be about you. Because sadly, you don’t have the ability to care about other people.

    I guess we know which of us is the subhuman wreck, now, though!

    I’d pity you, but I have better things to do with my time.

  10. Rystefn said

    Awww… That’s cute. He’s trying to get a rise out me by talking shit about someone I care about. How predictably dull.

  11. JanieBelle said

    Hey Seth,

    You’re a douchebag.

    Just so y’know.

  12. Greg Laden said

    Hmmm. I totally missed this whole thing. Interesting.

  13. Rystefn said

    Easy to miss.

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