The Last Road

Living every day like it's the last… because one day, it will be.

I’m Sorry

Posted by sabrinaremains on October 10, 2008

I’m sorry I haven’t been writing updates like I should. It’s very hard for me. He hasn’t been awake at all since Tuesday. Most of the time, he talks in his sleep, and he hasn’t been doing that, either. I don’t think he’s just sleeping… I don’t know how to say this. The words hurt so much. I don’t think my Rystefn is ever going to wake up again. He would probably want to me say something about how he lived his life the way he wanted… about how he laughed enough that we shouldn’t cry that he won’t laugh anymore… that he’s smiled enough we shouldn’t frown because he’ll never smile again… that he’s loved enough…

It would be a lie. He hasn’t laughed enough, and I’ll cry for the laugh I won’t hear again, and for the smile I won’t see again. I’ll never feel his lips on mine, or listen to him sing me our special song… I’ll never feel safe in his arms again. Maybe I’ll never feel safe at all. I know I’m not alone. Kate is strong, but she’s crying tonight, too. So are Sam, and Rebecca, and Jenny waiting for him on the other side is crying, too. So are people I’ve never even met and people I probably never will. And far too soon, Chelsea will be crying with us. I know now why he didn’t want to tell her. I don’t want to tell her either, and he loves her so much more than I ever could.

He said that we shouldn’t cry for him. That we should cry for the world that’s losing him. Maybe this is what he meant… I cry for him, but I also cry for Kate, and for Chelsea, and Janie, and Siren, and Bee… and I cry for me, too. I know most of his friends are atheists. At least his online friends, the ones who will read this. Most of you believe what he did. Maybe even now, the part of him we knew as Rystefn is gone forever, and only the shell remains. Maybe there’s nothing left but our memories, or what is left will be gone so very soon. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you. The only thing that’s keeping me sane now is the thought of us being together again eventually.

I think I’d like to make a request tonight. As soon as you read this – wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, tell someone you love them. Even if you just said it. You never know when it will be the last time, and when it is, you won’t feel like you said it enough times. Trust me.

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One Response to “I’m Sorry”

  1. killyosaur said

    I’m so sorry for your loss, but thanks for the update. Although, I don’t know that a death is necessarily any harder for an atheist than a theist, I’d assume (as I have yet to lose anyone really close to me, I can only go based on what I’ve heard) that it is about the same. I’ve heard Penn Jillette talk about the loss of his parents on several occasions, he’s definitely a good source when trying to understand atheist grieving as he tends to refer to that process a fair bit(surely because he feels it necessary to get that information out there).

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