The Last Road

Living every day like it's the last… because one day, it will be.


Posted by Rystefn on September 9, 2008

This isn’t the first post I’ve had difficulty writing. This isn’t the first time I’ve delayed writing something because putting something baddownin words makes it feel more real. This is a post I feel I must write, though, and time is not my friend. It becomes clearer and clearer to me every day just how few chances I have left to say the things that need to be said. Every day, the fight to stay and finish the last things I have to do becomes harder. So now I have to face that fact that I will not be able to finish them all. This will be rather more melancholy than my last list, and for that I apologize, but here is the list of things I regret…

  • I regret that there are so many wonderful people out there I will never meet
  • I regret that there are places I’ve never been
  • I regret the wrongs I’ve done which cannot be undone
  • I regret the wrongs I could have undone but did not
  • I regret that there are so many in the preceding category
  • I regret that my daughter died before me
  • I regret the violence I’ve done
  • I regret that I was a thief
  • I regret that I couldn’t make my wife happy
  • I regret that I will never finish my story
  • I regret half-finished painting
  • I regret that I’ve never swam with sea lions
  • I regret that I cannot say goodbye to L
  • I regret that I will never raise a child
  • I regret every name I’ve ever forgotten
  • I regret that I didn’t carve her name into the side of a mountain in mile-high letters
  • I regret the stories I said I’d write but haven’t
  • I regret words left unsaid

Mostly, though, I regret that I was never good enough for my Dove. Of all the things left undone in my life, the things I really could have changed, nothing hurts so much as the knowledge that I promised her that I would always be there for her, that if she ever needed for anything, I would always be waiting… and I failed. I’ve had good frineds in my life, and I’ve knownlove beyond any words I could ever say. I’ve never deserved any of it. If any of you evermeet her again after I am gone,  let her know that I loved her. That is the only truly good thing I can claim, the only real value in my life. If she misses me after I’m gone, please tell her not to cry – I’ve shed enough tears for the both of us.


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