My First Steps Onto the Last Road
Posted by Rystefn on August 27, 2008
So it turns out August was the critical time. Don’t ask me for details, they still won’t be forthcoming. Details lead to questions, which lead to discussion, which leads to dwelling on it. I don’t care to spend any more of my time dwelling on my end than I already do. Suffice to say that for me, at least, soon there will be nothing. Very fine minds and advanced technology worked on a solution, but it did not come out well. Well, that really depends on how you define well, I suppose.
Much has happened in the weeks since I started writing here. I managed to outlive my Darling Jenny, a sweet young woman just entering the prime of her life. My Dove, the person for whom nearly all of my plans for my last days were built walked out of my life. I have made friends far too late to ever truly appreciate them. I appreciate the obviousness of the statement, but I still must say it – dying is hard.
I’m leaving behind so much. Many people have walked this road before me . People I knew and loved. People I still love… but they are not waiting for me at the end. Many people will walk this road behind me. People I know and love… but I will not be waiting for them, either. Some goodbyes are forever, and we rarely know which ones they are. I do not know if this is a blessing or a curse. In many ways, it is both.
I have said goodbye to far too many people in the last weeks. Many of them do not know that it would be the last. Often I envy them their ignorance. They do not share the pain I feel in it. Perhaps they will curse me when I’m gone for not telling them, but by then, I will be gone. I will not share the pain they feel. I miss so many people already, and in ignorance I would never suffer so much…
I’m not superstitious, and I don’t believe in karma, or cosmic retribution, or any such notion… it is, however, somewhat fitting that I be tormented some before I go. Accidental as it is, there is a kind of justice in it. I have done wrong in my life, and inflicted pain on others. Having my search for knowledge answered in the thing I would have wanted not to know is almost poetic. It’s like something out of the twilighty show about that zone… what’s it called? The Outer Limits.
Still, there is good in it. It is good that I lived to see my birthday this year. I have had louder parties, and longer… but how many of us live to know which will be our last? I used the opportunity well, and most of my friends will have a last memory of me that is laughter and smiles. When someone else is having a farewell party for me, as I have done for far too many others over the years, I will be remembered as I was then, and if voices are raised in the songs I sang, and glasses are raised with the drinks I drank, I will consider mine a life well lived. If someone goes home with someone they never met before, I will consider my legacy a good one. If someone laments that they haven’t enough hands for for two drinks and two women, but damned-well tries it anyway, because “that’s how the Rystefn did it,” then I will be proud. If my funeral needs to be broken up by the fuzz, then I will consider that a fitting tribute to my memory.
I’ve lived hard in my life, and done a lot in my years. I know that mine is not a life for everyone, indeed, there are parts of it I would not wish on anyone, but if I have inspired someone to put a feather in their hat, to wear bells on their ankles in day-to-day life, to sing in public, or even just to kiss someone rahter than going home and thinking they should have the next day, then it has all been worth it.
Do not model a life on mine, for I have done far more wrong than even I can forgive. Rather, learn from what I have done, and apply those lessons to your own life. It’s the things you didn’t do in life that you regret. If you have to die with unanswered questions in your mind, try to at least make sure that no one else knows the answers, either. Don’t be the one who dies wishing you’d gone to Paris – die wishing you’d gone to the moon, because it’s the only place human foot has tread you’ve never been. Don’t be the one lying on your deathbed wishing you’d had that threesome with Famke Janssen and Kate Beckinsale when you had the chance… be the one wishing those signals you imagined were the real deal, but you can at least say you were slapped by a Bond-Girl (or by an X-Man, if that’s more your thing).
Maybe a life on the edge is not for you. I’m not here to to judge. If you don’t drink, I don’t look down on you. If one man or woman is all you could ever want, I wish you nothing but happiness together… but here is my challenge to you: Do something you have never done before. Eat a food you’ve never tried. Visit a place you’ve never seen. Talk to a person you’ve never met… and tell me about it before I’m gone. Tell your friends to do the same. If you don’t want to say it publicly, my e-mail is on the upper left of the page. Let me know my message has not fallen on deaf ears.
In closing, for today anyway, I’d like to say this again: Don’t cry for me. Yes, I’m young, but I’ve lived. I’ve been to more countries than most people can name. I’ve been broke and I’ve been wealthy. I’ve had good friends and worthy enemies. I’ve seen the sun rise and set over the ocean and the mountains. I’ve walked many roads, and one last road is calling me now. I’ve known the love of wonderful women, and my life is richer than any I could imagine because of it. Don’t mourn for me. Mourn for the world that it’s losing me.
Also, I’m still a narcissistic, egocentric, megalomaniac.