The Last Road

Living every day like it's the last… because one day, it will be.

The Quiet

Posted by Rystefn on August 5, 2008

So it’s been over a week since my last post – the longest absence I’ve had so far, I think. I’ve started writing this post six times so far, and every time I just can’t seem to get through it. I’m in pretty constant pain these days, and there’s not much I can do to lessen it, but that’s not really the reason I haven’t been posting. I’ve dealt with a lot of pain in my life, a great deal of it much more severe than this. Honestly, I’ve enjoyed much more severe pain than this under other circumstances… being a pretty severe masochist does wonders for one’s ability to handle pain. Physical pain, anyway… See what I’m doing here? I’m beating around the bush, as they say. Rambling on about frivolities rather than saying what I’m here to say. Like avoiding the subject will somehow keep the hurt away. Nothing will keep the hurt away. They say time heals all wounds, and while I disagree, it does seem to heal most of them sooner or later… I don’t think I have anything like enough time left to heal this one.

Last week, my Dove left me. I was blindsided by it, though I really shouldn’t have been. One of the complications of a polyamorous lifestyle is that, even though it’s rarely talked about, everyone has that one person who means more. Sometimes it’s clear and simple, sometimes it’s not obvious, even to ourselves… Sometimes we’d rather kill ourselves than have to choose. Not so long ago, I was shown, in no uncertain terms, that I love her the most; that I would choose her over everyone else in the world. The only surprise was that it took so long for me to see it. I’ve always known that for her, I could only be second. She loves V with a fervor that is, frankly, neither deserved nor reciprocated, but it is not my place to interfere. If asked, I would say what I think, and did a few times, but I would never press her about it. Maybe I should have, I don’t know. I know beyond doubt that I could have played the power struggle game, and I would have won it. I also know that I don’t want to browbeat and brainwash someone into being with me. Stockholm Syndrome is not love… but at least she would now be with someone who loves her. Either way, it’s far too late now. V forced the choice, and we all knew what would happen if she did.

It hurts me more than I can say that she won’t wear my jacket anymore, or the necklace I got her last year. It pains me far more than any sickness that while my last memory of her face will be a smile, my last memory of her voice will be tears. This week has been death to me, far more than coming to grips my literal mortality could ever be.

I have never in my life felt so alone. Another complication is that when you lose the one you love the most, people sometimes get offended that you’re so depressed about it. No matter what I try to say, the response always seems to be, “Am I not good enough?” For some reason, no question taps into my anger over everything that’s happened more than that. I can’t explain how my love for her does not diminish my love for others, even though I’ve done so many times before. I can’t convey how emotionally invested I’ve become these past months in the parting gift I wanted to give her. I can’t get across that the legacy of love I meant to leave behind for the world to remember me by has been tainted by all this. I can’t even say “please leave me alone right now, you’re only making a hard situation harder.” I feel all those things inside me, and then some person dares to think of something in the universe besides me, and the megalomania people so often find witty and charming, for some reason, takes over in an a very uncharming way.

In a moment when a perfectly stable and rational person might be expected to take center stage, so to speak, the people who say they love me can only focus on what they see as a personal slight against them. I’m not the most stable person sometimes. People often laugh and joke about my particular brand of madness, but they never seem to be prepared for the down side. Even while I know that everything I’m saying and doing is only making a bad situation worse, I can only sit inside my own head and watch as I lash out. “Goddamned right you’re not good enough!” I’ve shouted. “You think this is about you? Who the fuck are you?” and “If that’s how you see this, get out of my house and never come back” and “If you killed yourself right now in front of me, I wouldn’t care half as much as I care about losing her…”

I say these things to the people I love. I can’t even feel bad about it. I feel lost and alone and I cry until I’m out of tears, but it’s all for my Dove, my beautiful, lovely Dove. I fake my way through a few things, here and there. I post two or three comments, or have a semi-normal phone conversation sometimes – mostly hoping that by pretending to feel better, I can maybe start to feel better. It never works.

I bought her the earrings, if you’re wondering. I spent money I don’t yet have, and I honestly wonder if I care enough to pay off the debt. I can’t ask her to wear them now. If there is any such thing as a sin in this universe, putting such guilt onto her would be it. I can’t leave this world with the wish that she remember that I loved her. Most of all, I cannot tell her how much it hurt me that it happened now, or why.

People have told me that it is horrifyingly morbid of me to have thought so long about what my last words would be. Maybe they were right. I think the horror is that after actually deciding, I cannot now use them. If the last few days are any indicator, they might well be “I wish I could die right now so I wouldn’t have to hear your voice any more.” That’s the last thing I said… I said it on Saturday. The only sound here for days has been the click of a keyboard and the falling rain. I would kill to hear her laugh again.

If there’s a positive quality you think I have, you should probably give her credit. The love I felt for her amplified the joy and alleviated the pain of anything that happened to me or around me. She made my entire life a message of love to the world. What do I leave behind me now? Rage. Pain. Suffering. Maybe the great tragedy here is that I don’t even care that much.

I’m dodging calls from doctors. I never really wanted to spend what might have been my last days lying in a hospital, and now I can’t truthfully say I have any desire make it through this anymore anyway. I wish I could say that I’ll miss you all, but I don’t believe that for a minute. I’m reasonably certain that in a couple of weeks, I won’t be missing anyone anymore, and that is why it holds such a draw. I’ve spent much of my life dealing with severe suicidal depression, as some of you know. Now, I look at the pile of medications I’ve acquired because doctors never believe me when I say pain killers just don’t work on me, and I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t have been better if I hadn’t fought against it quite so hard a decade ago. No, I won’t be taking that route today, if that’s what you’re thinking. I won’t put my death on her hands when a little patience will suffice. She would blame herself, and if there is any legacy I refuse to leave, it is that.

…maybe that means I’m leaving a message of love after all.


32 Responses to “The Quiet”

  1. Bug Girl said

    Ryst, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m really worried about you.
    Please contact someone near you and get some help. Please don’t do anything to harm yourself.

    Even if it’s just someone you can talk to in person, that will help. I wish I could do more for you. 😦

  2. Tracy K said

    Dude – are you OK? I must be completely out of the loop because I didn’t know anything was wrong. I still don’t know what’s wrong – worried about you though. x

  3. Rystefn said

    I am so very much not OK, words cannot describe. I have lost nearly everything I cared about in this world. Jenny is dead, my Dove has left me, and I’m alienating the people I love. Someone seems to have taken my razor away during the last week, apparently thinking I shouldn’t be left alone with it, but whoever did it wasn’t thinking very clearly because they left so many things here that are just as lethal… Unless it was taken just to make a point. I don’t know. I don’t talk to anyone anymore.No one’s tried to call for days. No one’s been here for more days.

    No one can help me now, and even if they could, I doubt I’d let them. I don’t have to do anything to harm myself, Bug… the universe has done quite enough already.

  4. Bug Girl said

    Ryst, you need to talk to someone. NOW.
    Call the 800 number, and get a referral to someone in your area.
    1 800 273 TALK

    Don’t go on being unhappy alone. Talk to someone.

  5. Protesilaus said

    Rystefn, this is Protesilaus from the Skepchick forums. You have a lot of people who care about you even if they only heard your words through a forum. Please reach out to us, here or anywhere you want to. We are here to talk to you. Give us something to tell us that your still around.

    And please call 800-273-8255

  6. Rystefn said

    The people I need to talk to are gone. Thanks for your concern, but some person I don’t know telling me that it will be alright is only going to met with the kind of angry tirade a person trying honestly to help should never have to deal with. I won’t feel better, the person on the other end will likely feel much worse. Besides, it’s not exactly like I have a long and happy life to look forward to otherwise, is it?

  7. Protesilaus said

    No, but it is a life for life’s sake. I know you don’t have a lot of time left in either case, but that doesn’t mean the end needs to come now. And does the person who matter most to you even know what is happening?

  8. Rystefn said

    She does not, and she will not. I spelled out my reasons in my first entry, and I stand by them. Moreso now then before, even.

  9. Protesilaus said

    Yes, to keep the last memory you have of her, and what will be the last memory she has of you?

  10. Rystefn said

    So, I got curious and looked up that number. I quote myself: “I won’t be taking that route today, if that’s what you’re thinking. I won’t put my death on her hands when a little patience will suffice. She would blame herself, and if there is any legacy I refuse to leave, it is that.”

    If you can’t bother yourselves enough to fucking read what you’re goddamned replying to, I don’t give a shit what you have to say on the subject. Leave me the fuck alone.

  11. Protesilaus said

    How is what your doing now any different? I cannot imagine what its like to be on your end, but don’t presume to know me so well that I don’t know what it is like to be on the other end. The result is the same. Every moment is a chance to make a difference, and by talking you can make a difference in her life as well as yours. We both know there is no pearly gate awaiting us, but we can make a difference in the mind and the hearts of our friends while we are still here, and you are still here Rystefn. Don’t let her lose the last chance she will have to talk to you, honestly. You don’t know how much I am willing to give up to get that back for myself.

  12. Rystefn said

    What am I doing now? Refusing to guilt her into staying with me a few more painful weeks? No – I choose to keep my relationship with her honest. I’d rather have real pain than have people pretend with me out of pity. Especially her.

  13. Protesilaus said

    How is this keeping it honest and what was her reason for leaving you? Have you been the man she has known through all of this? By talking to her you won’t be guilting her into staying with you. I would want to have her remember you because of who you are, not what you became near the end.

  14. Rystefn said

    I explained the reason in my post. I won’t be repeating myself again for your benefit. Go away and leave me alone.

  15. Protesilaus said

    You explained that she loves V, but that doesn’t answer the question. You already explained that your relationships were not monogamous. Have you been the same man she has known through all of this? And if not, how did she make an honest choice?

  16. Rystefn said

    Yes, she left me because I was raging and lashing out at her because she left before she left me. You’ve got me. You found me out. My psychic powers made me depressed and lonely while she was infusing my life with happiness and love. Try not to be more of an idiot than you absolutely have to. If you’re still confused, either go back and read my post again or shut your goddamned hole.

  17. Protesilaus said

    You still have meaning in her life Rystefn, it doesn’t just disappear overnight. You’re not helping out either of you by hiding what is going on, it will lead to regret in your life, and in hers, trust me on that.

  18. Rystefn said

    So I should call her and say what? That I’m dying and by leaving me she’s taken all the fun out of it?

  19. Protesilaus said

    No, call her as a friend who needs a friend.

  20. Rystefn said

    And make her feel terrible guilt over what she did and when? I will do no such thing. She feels bad enough about it already, thank you.

  21. Protesilaus said

    How do you think she will feel after this is over? At least this way she has time with you.

  22. Rystefn said

    She is two thousand miles away. Her time will not be with me either way. Even if that were on the table, I stand by my previous choice. Our last time together was was happiness, and I plan to keep it that way. I’ve been agonizing and torturing myself over that choice since I made it, yes, but I’m a Hell of a lot better at than you are. You won’t be changing my mind. Yes, it is selfish. Yes, I might very well be causing more pain. I’ve been over it many times. There’s nothing you can say on the subject I haven’t said to myself more times and more eloquently.

    ..but thank you so much for bringing it up yet again. Nothing like changing up the pain from time to time to keep the numbness from setting in.

  23. Protesilaus said

    Well then you can’t change the memory but you can change the voice and the room doesn’t have to be so quiet.

  24. Rystefn said

    The quiet is filled with the memory of the voices I wish to hear. I’ve no desire to cover them up with the voices of others. In the silence, I hear my Dove saying “I’m so happy we’re together.” In the silence, I hear Jenny whisper my name – the only one who could say it without causing a panic response. In the silence, I hear the people I love and care about telling me words of love and comfort. I know they aren’t real, but they were once, and that’s all I have.

  25. Protesilaus said

    I will leave you with them for the night, but know they are not all you have left, and you will be mourned after the morrow.

  26. Bug Girl said

    Make sure you hear our words of love and comfort, too.
    That’s what all this nagging is about. 🙂

    And talking *does* help–even if it’s just ranting about how unfair the world is.

  27. Rystefn said

    Thank you for caring without judging. Thank you for understanding. I miss her so much…

  28. Bug Girl said

    Ryst, I only have partial information to work with here.

    What I see tells me you are in pain–literal (?) and emotional–and would benefit from some help.

    Go right ahead and ban me if it makes you feel better, but I do still think that you would benefit from contact with people, rather than being alone.

  29. Rystefn said

    You are right. I’m in a great deal of pain, both physical and emotional, but the people who can help me are gone now.

  30. Kaylia said

    I don’t know you … at all. I have seen your comments over at Skepchick and enjoyed them…. But until today I had never bothered to click on your little picture and read your blog.

    No advice here, no fuzzy words or pleas or hypocritical “I understand” bullshit.

    Just wanted to say a quiet good bye.

  31. Rystefn said

    Quiet goodbyes sometimes mean the most. Thank you for caring, even a little bit.

  32. Kaylia said

    /slight head incline.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: