Posted by Rystefn on July 13, 2008
So A over at SkepChick (hugs and kisses) has told me that I need to write something, and since I fail utterly at denying pretty girls, here I am.
The last week has been very difficult for me, in no small part because of how often I feel like I have to pretend to be fine for the benefit of others. People are used to seeing me as a font of energy, of a sort of seize-the-day, continuous joy kind of person. “Live every day like it’s your last” I say constantly, and who wants to spend their last day mourning? Honestly, some days, I do. Some days, the only thing that keeps me going, the one part of my life I find bearable, is that it’s nearly he end. If I really believed that I’d have to deal with this for years upon years into the future, I don’t know that I could handle it.
I have friends, and they try to cheer me up, but they don’t really know what they’re doing. They mean well, but it doesn’t help. I came here back in January because here is where the one person who truly REALLY knew me would be. The one person, of all my friends, all my loved ones, who understood who I am and could help me through the bad times I knew would be coming… I came here because Jenny could help. So who can help me deal with losing Jenny?
If you’re wondering, perhaps, why you don’t see the people I know in person floating around here, that’s why. This is a part of me they’re not used to seeing, and not comfortable with… Well, that, and I didn’t exactly spread it around too much. There are far too many people in my life, as in everyone’s life, who think they know better than I do what I should do, and even in times like this, I couldn’t trust them not to go running around telling everyone, and thereby getting word back to my Dove.
So here I am, alone in a crowd, with a fake smile painted on my face, pretending to care about the worthless little details, and playing the merry jester for people who need that from me because they can’t seem to live their own lives the way they wish they could… It makes me wonder, when I am gone, who will mourn for the Rystefn.. and who will mourn for me.