The Last Road

Living every day like it's the last… because one day, it will be.

Posted by Rystefn on July 13, 2008

So A over at SkepChick (hugs and kisses) has told me that I need to write something, and since I fail utterly at denying pretty girls, here I am.

The last week has been very difficult for me, in no small part because of how often I feel like I have to pretend to be fine for the benefit of others. People are used to seeing me as a font of energy, of a sort of seize-the-day, continuous joy kind of person. “Live every day like it’s your last” I say constantly, and who wants to spend their last day mourning? Honestly, some days, I do. Some days, the only thing that keeps me going, the one part of my life I find bearable, is that it’s nearly he end. If I really believed that I’d have to deal with this for years upon years into the future, I don’t know that I could handle it.

I have friends, and they try to cheer me up, but they don’t really know what they’re doing. They mean well, but it doesn’t help. I came here back in January because here is where the one person who truly REALLY knew me would be. The one person, of all my friends, all my loved ones, who understood who I am and could help me through the bad times I knew would be coming… I came here because Jenny could help. So who can help me deal with losing Jenny?

If you’re wondering, perhaps, why you don’t see the people I know in person floating around here, that’s why. This is a part of me they’re not used to seeing, and not comfortable with… Well, that, and I didn’t exactly spread it around too much. There are far too many people in my life, as in everyone’s life, who think they know better than I do what I should do, and even in times like this, I couldn’t trust them not to go running around telling everyone, and thereby getting word back to my Dove.

So here I am, alone in a crowd, with a fake smile painted on my face, pretending to care about the worthless little details, and playing the merry jester for people who need that from me because they can’t seem to live their own lives the way they wish they could… It makes me wonder, when I am gone, who will mourn for the Rystefn.. and who will mourn for me.

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11 Responses to “”

  1. JanieBelle said

    You needn’t ever pretend for me, Rystefn. Just be.

    Just so y’know.

  2. JanieBelle said

    It makes me wonder, when I am gone, who will mourn for the Rystefn.. and who will mourn for me.

    I will mourn the loss of both, to be honest. The world will be a lesser place for the loss, but a better place for each of them having passed through it.

    …and that is all any of us can ever hope for.

  3. Rystefn said

    With respect, admonitions that I need not pretend from a fiction, now matter how clever, cannot carry much weight.

    I appreciate what you are trying to say, and all that you’ve said, but… well, there it as. I’m sorry.

  4. Lou FCD said

    Fair ’nuff. Would it carry more weight now?

    Truth be told Rystefn, JanieBelle has more claim to being the real me than Lou FCD does.

  5. Rystefn said

    I can understand that. I know very well how much of the self can go into art. It was unfair of me to say what I did. Pointing it out detracts from the art of it, and for that I apologize again.

    Every day, I am confronted with the things I am losing, things I will never again see, and things I will never see at all. Every day is a test of my resolve to hold to the choices I’ve made, and worse, I question whether perhaps my choices are wrong, horrible hurtful choices by which I bring pain into the lives of those I care about for my own selfish desires… desires I cannot even be certain of.

    That I also feel the need to deceive those I care about only makes me feel worse, and I sometimes deal with it inappropriately. It saddens and angers me that what I am losing, others will still have long after I’m gone, mostly without a thought for me at all. In pain, I sometimes lash out and poke holes in the things others have.

    It is wrong of me, and an evil of which I have faint hope to be forgiven. I know I don’t deserve it.

  6. I’m with Lou, and Janie. No need to pretend here. Also, no need to wonder, really, who will mourn. As with everything else, there are always things that surprise us, and always things we don’t know.

    I miss you already, mostly because I don’t know you well enough as yet. And I gather I might not get the chance, and that sucks.

    But mostly, I just think people live in the joints and crevices between their real lives and the ones the present to the rest of the world. We all do it. And it isn’t just one persona for any of us, it is many. The online A, the at-work A, the on-line at the supermarket A, JanieBelle’s A… all of them are me and not me at once. But where I live and breathe is where they all meet, right? And sometimes that can be a selfish, messy place. But that’s what’s real.

    So I don’t know what you think, or if it’s truly evil… but I know you have no need to be forgiven.

    xo-A

  7. Rystefn said

    I know it can’t mean so very much coming from me, a person you don’t know… but your words mean a lot to me. These past few months, I’ve come into contact with so many wonderful people that I will have to regret never meeting. I couldn’t say why if my life depended on it, but for some reason you struck a chord with me. There’s something in you that resonates with me for some reason. I think we could have epic friends… or maybe you’re supposed to be my nemesis, LoL. Wouldn’t that be fun?

    There aren’t many people in this world who know my birth name, A. Even my Dove didn’t know it until this year, and I’ve known her since she was 16. You’ll probably never know why, but that’s no small thing… Thank you for crossing my path in this life – I wouldn’t have had another to try again.

  8. I’m going with epic friends. That would be fun too.

    So, there aren’t too many people who know your birth name, and there isn’t ANYONE who knows how to pronounce your net name. Quite an enigma you are, my friend.

    And, you know, I’m sure, how to reach me directly. Do that if you’re so inclined. I’m here.

    -A

  9. Rystefn said

    There are people who know how to pronounce it, just few figure it out without me telling them, is all.

    Yes, I do know how to reach you directly. Perhaps I’ll make use of it in the near future. I tend to not do so uninvited… Is not my style.

  10. Lou FCD said

    Apology unnecessary for my part, Rystefn, but accepted anyway.

    I don’t really use my own email address much, but you are of course welcome to use mine (or Janie’s if you want to actually get a response anytime in the next century) at will, for whatever reason.

    …and with that, I’m going to take off this rather uncomfortable suit which is my public face, and put you back in the very capable hands of a half-naked 19 year old, if you have no objections.

  11. Rystefn said

    I have none.

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