Posted by Rystefn on July 1, 2008
Have you ever hated yourself? I don’t mean the whiny, emo kind of hating yourself, or them frustrated with where your life wound up kind of hating yourself. I mean, have you ever done something so vile that you couldn’t stand the thought of being yourself? I’m rather of the opinion that almost no one has. Few of us have the capacity to question ourselves to this degree, and we’ve pre-rationalized the way we operate long before we get to something specific that would make us feel that way. Extraordinary situations, however, can cause extraordinary reactions. Sometimes, people are thrust into a situation with little or no chance to think about it beforehand, and almost no reason to consider that such a thing might occur.
Some of us, though, do think things through carefully and deliberately, and then make a choice we know to be wrong. I backed away from that edge today, and even though I didn’t do it, I still can’t stand myself for what I almost did. I sometimes joke around and call myself a terrible person, but today, I mean it.
I was talking to a good friend of mine who lives in the UK. She mentioned that she would like to see me this summer, and I honestly considered it. I took it seriously enough that I looked at prices for the flight… knowing that I could only afford it if I used the money for my Dove’s birthday present.
The depths of my betrayal horrify me.
I do not deserve her.