The Last Road

Living every day like it's the last… because one day, it will be.

Self-Loathing

Posted by Rystefn on July 1, 2008

Have you ever hated yourself? I don’t mean the whiny, emo kind of hating yourself, or them frustrated with where your life wound up kind of hating yourself. I mean, have you ever done something so vile that you couldn’t stand the thought of being yourself? I’m rather of the opinion that almost no one has. Few of us have the capacity to question ourselves to this degree, and we’ve pre-rationalized the way we operate long before we get to something specific that would make us feel that way. Extraordinary situations, however, can cause extraordinary reactions. Sometimes, people are thrust into a situation with little or no chance to think about it beforehand, and almost no reason to consider that such a thing might occur.

Some of us, though, do think things through carefully and deliberately, and then make a choice we know to be wrong. I backed away from that edge today, and even though I didn’t do it, I still can’t stand myself for what I almost did. I sometimes joke around and call myself a terrible person, but today, I mean it.

I was talking to a good friend of mine who lives in the UK. She mentioned that she would like to see me this summer, and I honestly considered it. I took it seriously enough that I looked at prices for the flight… knowing that I could only afford it if I used the money for my Dove’s birthday present.

The depths of my betrayal horrify me.

I do not deserve her.

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17 Responses to “Self-Loathing”

  1. JanieBelle said

    Rystefn,

    You are being way too hard on yourself about something you didn’t even do.

    Stop it.

    Kisses

  2. Rystefn said

    If I wasn’t so hard on myself, who would be?

  3. JanieBelle said

    I was considering being harder on you than I was.

  4. Rystefn said

    Yeah… I see where you’re going there. I say, “but you didn’t, so it doesn’t count.” Then you say “…think about that…”

    Thanks for the attempt, though.

  5. JanieBelle said

    Don’t make me come over there and beat you… oh wait.

    πŸ™‚

  6. Rystefn said

    I won’t. I don’t deserve it.

  7. Bug Girl said

    Rystefn, seems like a lot of heavy stuff is going down for you lately. Feel free to drop me an email to vent.

    Oh, and Janie is *totally* right. :p

    Personally, I would rather my husband have fun than buy me anything. I’m not into stuff; probably the best present he ever gave me was a $12 t-shirt with the slogan “Lick Bush in 2004.”
    It was perfect for me πŸ˜€
    His knowing that it would appeal to my warped sense of humor is what made it such a great gift.

    I refused to let him get me an expensive engagement ring; why spend money on a rock, when we could do something fun?

    Your mileage may vary, of course. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

  8. Rystefn said

    Many people have refused to let me buy them diamonds, including this one. There are things I’ve wanted to do in my life, and I’ve done most of them. This I haven’t. I know very well that she would tell me again not to do it, that I should spend my money on myself doing what I want to do… but that’s exactly what I’m doing. I want to do this. This is for me.

    I’ve been to England and to Ireland. I’ve never been able to buy someone diamonds. It may not seem like much to you, but it’s a lot to me. It’s something I’ve wanted for many years, and I’m going to do it now while I can. If I had the capacity to carve her name into the side of a mountain in mile-high letters, I’d do that instead, but we all have our limitations. Even I.

  9. Rystefn said

    And now it’s being buggy and not posting the link in my name over here as well.

  10. JanieBelle said

    Bug Girl Says:…

    And now it’s being buggy

    Just remember that correlation is not causation. πŸ™‚

    Oh, and Janie is *totally* right. :p

    I know I can’t be far off the mark if Bug Girl agrees with me, so take heed, Rystefn!

  11. Rystefn said

    I am who I am, and if I was so easily influenced by the opinions of others, I’d be someone completely different. Likely a Southern Baptist, since I grew up in Texas. Think about that for a few minutes before suggesting I should listen to yours.

  12. JanieBelle said

    Geez, that’s not even a vaguely fair argument.

  13. Rystefn said

    Do you know what the definition of a fair fight is? The one I win.

  14. JanieBelle said

    Fine, but if you break out the Nazis, I’m not playing anymore.

    πŸ™‚

  15. Rystefn said

    How would that be winning? Godwin’s Law, dear, if I make reference to Nazis or Hitler first, I lost.

  16. JanieBelle said

    My point exactly.

  17. Rystefn said

    Well, then. I rest my case.

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