Thinking of her… again… always
Posted by Rystefn on June 23, 2008
Like everyone, I have good days, and I have bad days. Today was the second kind of day. Normally, I’m not one to dwell on a decision after I’ve made it, but as you can imagine, the choice to keep this from my Dove was not an easy one, and I do question myself… I know how much I would like to spend this summer with her, to spend every day of my life, regardless of how long it might last with her. I like to think she would like it as much. I sometimes wonder if she could forgive me for this. Today, I wondered a lot.
Constantly, mental images of tears on her cheeks would slip into my mind, as vivid as if she were standing in front of me for real. Damn my artists eye… If I could find a way to keep the pain from her, I would. I’m filled with doubts about my choice. Am I causing her undue pain this way? Would it be unfair of me if I did tell her? The thought of her crying is physically painful to me. Even imagining it feels like a vise squeezing my chest. The knowledge that I might be the cause of it in a few short weeks is no easy thing to deal with.
How can I do anything to hurt her? How can I possibly stop it? These are the questions that haunt me. I’m supposed to protect her and keep her from harm… In this, it seems, I am doomed to failure. There is no right answer, only the less wrong one. I try my best, and I hope, but there’s no way to be sure. I try to imagine what I would want if the situation were reversed, but I simply cannot bear the thought of losing her that way. I honestly believe that I could not live for one day in a world without her in it, nor would I want to.
I’m not really looking for answers here, I’m just rambling. Sometimes it helps to get your thoughts out, in black and white, plain English. This time, it doesn’t seem to have, at least not so far. Perhaps another day…