The Last Road
Posted by Rystefn on June 17, 2008
So it turns out August is the critical time. Don’t ask me for details, they won’t be forthcoming. Details leads to questions, which leads to discussion, which leads to dwelling on it. I don’t care to spend my time dwelling on the very probable end results of the current situation. Suffice to say that most likely, for me at least, nothing will come after. Very fine minds and advanced technology are working on a solution, but it seems unlikely to come out well. Well, that really depends on how you define well, I suppose…
The timing is inconvenient, to say the least… Well, when is it ever convenient, really? It’s especially so in this case, let’s say. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll likely never see my Dove again. She is away at school, and no, I won’t be telling her what’s happening. I know most people would not agree with that choice, but the choice is mine to make, and no one else’s. The last thing I saw of her was a smiling face, and I’d like to keep it that way. Selfish? I suppose it is, but I think I’m a bit entitled at this point. It’s not exactly an easy choice, you know. Imagine what a trade-off like that must be, and you’ll see just how important that last memory is to me. Those of you who have the power, I’d appreciate you keeping my wishes in this regard and keeping knowledge to yourself. Anyone who points her to this blog should know that I’ll never forgive you. It may not be the longest grudge in the world, but I can’t very well help that, can I?
So why am I writing this? I suppose there’s a kind of immortality in the things we leave behind. I have no children, I’ve never built a monument… but I do write. I have no doubts that I will be forgotten eventually, but I’m human enough to want to preserve myself as long as possible. I have no great faith in an afterlife or anything of that nature, so this is what I have: the memory of others.
I have no illusions about my life. I know that I have not left this world a better place than I came into it. I know that I have not left every life I’ve touched better. In point of fact, I know that I have left a few substantially worse. There is no changing that now. The past is behind us, and all we can do is go forward as best as we can. No wisdom of the ages. No magic of the gods to guide us. Just regular folks struggling on through life, doing the best we can, falling down and trying to get back up without making everything worse. Nothing we can do but push on, day by day, taking each problem as it comes and trying to learn enough that we live long enough to see the next problem… maybe, just maybe, we’ll know what to do when it comes around again…
I’ve lived hard, and done a lot in my years so far. I always thought I’d die young, and spent my life trying to cram as much living as I could into every day. Honestly, every day I’ve woken up to find I’m still breathing has been a pleasant surprise for several years now. I consider myself to be living on bonus time, with every day a prize, like winning the lottery. Still, there is one more thing I’d like to do with my remaining time…
They say that it’s the things you haven’t done you regret, and I can’t disagree. As it is, I have few regrets (with the notable exception of a threesome with Famke Janssen and Kate Beckinsale), as I’ve never been one to hold back. I would, however, like to do this one thing before I go. I’ve never had anyone let me buy them diamonds before. My Dove has just recently pierced her ears, and I have my sights set on a particular pair of studs for her. No, I’m not asking for money – I’m fairly sure I can make it in time for her birthday, also in August, as is mine. I don’t ask for your prayers, or your positive thoughts or any other superstition. I’m not really asking for anything. This is just a chronicle of what’s happening. I’ll try to post every day with updates, but I make no promises. Currently I’m just short of halfway to the goal. Sadly, last night I fell pretty hard and managed to injure myself, so now I have to work around that as well, but I still think I can make it. If my blasted economic stimulus check ever comes in, that will make a noticeable step in the right direction as well.
In closing, for today anyway, I’d like to say this: Don’t cry for me. Yes, I’m young, but I’ve lived. I’ve been to more countries than most people can name. I’ve been broke and I’ve been wealthy. I’ve had good friends and worthy enemies. I’ve seen the sun rise and set over the ocean and the mountains. I’ve walked many roads, and one last road is calling me now. I’ve known the love of wonderful women, and my life is richer than any I could imagine because of it. Don’t mourn for me. Mourn for the world that it’s losing me.
Also, I’m a narcissistic, egocentric, megalomaniac.