The Last Road

Living every day like it's the last… because one day, it will be.

Why I am Polyamorous (and you should be, too)

Posted by Rystefn on October 15, 2012

I’m going to skip over the life story on this one, because it’s not important, and you don’t care anyway. The short version is this: I used to pretend to be a jealous asshole, because that’s what worked. That’s what people expected, and for some fucking reason, that’s what the ladies wanted. Eventually, I got tired of it. I don’t particularly like moderating my behavior for the benefit of other people, so I guess it was inevitable that I would drop the pretense sooner or later.

I’m an asshole, make no mistake, but I’m not jealous. Not even the tiniest little bit. People always try to tell me things like “jealousy is universal” or “everyone gets jealous” and I want to slap them in their stupid faces (see? Asshole) for putting their own bullshit on the whole human race. I literally do not care if my girlfriend is sleeping with someone else. (She is, by the way, more than one.) Pretty hypocrite I’d be if I did, considering how often I’ve slept with other people’s girlfriends.

Which brings me to the part where I talk about why you should open your relationships. Even you do get jealous (and you probably do), you should still have an open relationship, because it’s not doing any good. Probably the opposite of good, in fact. If this is the part where you expect me to go into polyamory being more fulfilling and everyone getting their needs met and that sort of thing, you’re wrong. This is the part where I lay down some cold, ugly pragmatism: I will fuck your girlfriend.

Your jealousy cannot change that fact. I don’t care if it hurts your feelings. In that moment, your feelings are the farthest thing from my mind. As far as I’m concerned, you may as well not even exist. Your jealousy might hurt you later; it might hurt her later; Hell, it might even hurt me later. In that moment, though, it is completely impotent, and later will be too late to stop it.

Note, this is not me bragging or making myself out to be this irresistible sex-magnet. I’m not that I, specifically, will sleep with specifically your girlfriend (although I absolutely would if I found her attractive and she was willing). I’m saying that there is someone, or many someones, out there your significant other will sleep with besides you. That person probably has no loyalty to you, and even if they do, they’ll be thinking of something else at the time. Maybe it’s the friend they’ve been nursing a secret crush on for years. Maybe it’s that hottie at the next table when they go out. Maybe it’s an old flame that wanders back into their life. The point is that that person is out there. Nothing you do or don’t do will stop them from having sex.

So what are you going to do about it? Are you going be a jealous and possessive shitbag? That’s probably your initial response. It’s also stupid. It fosters the impression that your relationship is hostile and competitive. That someone must be in control. Do you know what’s going to happen when the other person decides they want to be in control for a change? When the stakes are high enough, everyone will cheat to win.

Now, I imagine a lot of you are saying to yourselves, “is he really suggesting that I should allow my significant other to sleep with other people to prevent them from sleeping with other people? That’s insane!” If you are, you may want to go back and reread what I’ve written so far. Specifically, the part where I said “nothing you do or don’t do will stop them from having sex.” What I’m suggesting is that you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble and a lot of pain if you just fucking accept that this is how it is and get over your shit.

The simple fact is that the person you’re with will fuck someone else, whether you like it or not. You know that thing some couples do where people get a list of five or ten celebrities they’re allowed to sleep with and the other person isn’t allowed to get upset? That’s people paying lip service to this truth. Of course, they always want to make sure it’s a list of people it will never happen with, and if they’re wrong, they’ll flip out anyway. Despite the fact that everyone will cheat, given the right circumstances, mostly, they think they’re special, and no one else should be allowed to. This is utter bullshit.

There’s only a very, very tiny group of people in this world who never get cheated on. It’s not the most extremely jealous and controlling. I point this out because, even though most people would look at that statement and tell you it’s very obvious, you’d never be able to tell based on how they act. So who is it that never gets cheated on? It’s me. Me and people like me. It’s only cheating if you break the rules, and I never make a rule against sleeping with other people.

In short, you should be a polyamorist because you already are one, so you may as well stop pretending. Closing your eyes and plugging your ears while shouting “cheating is eeeeevil!” doesn’t change anything except advertise that you live in a world of make-believe. Yeah, there’s lots of other children living in there with you, but the real world is still real, and when real and pretend collide, real always wins. Maybe it’s hard for you to face the real world, but that doesn’t make it less real, and no matter how hard you close your eyes, people who like each other are still going to fuck sometimes. So get your head out of your ass and wake the fuck up.

12 Responses to “Why I am Polyamorous (and you should be, too)”

  1. Alex said

    - “for some fucking reason, that’s what the ladies wanted.”

    Funny that. Perhaps the ladies want to possess and be possessed by a man, singular. If adolescent girls are attracted to libertines it’s only because they nurture fantasies of being the one who can tame or redeem him.

    - “I don’t particularly like moderating my behavior for the benefit of other people”

    But … but … no less an authority than PZ Myers said atheists can be good people because they’ve got empathy! Mind you he was a cunt.

  2. Rystefn said

    “Perhaps the ladies want to possess and be possessed by a man,”

    Meh. Slavery ain’t my kink.

    “But … but … no less an authority than PZ Myers said atheists can be good people because they’ve got empathy! Mind you he was a cunt.”

    Yeah, fuck PZ, he’s a nutcase. You don’t need empathy to be a good person. It’s called enlightened self-interest. I haven’t got a lick of empathy, but I want to live in a world where people help each other out. In pursuit of this goal, I help other people out.

  3. My guy and I are polyamorous. I’ve never been the jealous type so that whole thing never crossed my mind. It’s a security thing with me, I suppose. I’m secure in the knowledge that at the end of the day, he’ll be home with me. He feels the same way. I think it also helps that the both of us view sex as fun – almost a sport.

    Interesting bit – thanks for sharing!

  4. Rystefn said

    Thanks for commenting. It’s always good to hear other peoples’ opinions on things.

    Also, are there people who don’t find sex fun? If so, I pity them…

  5. TheMan said

    Some questions…

    Yes…good sex is fun but is good sex only possible in a poly amorous relationship?

    Looking back…most of my long term relationships with proto pre-nup monogamous verbal contracts broke up because in essence one or the other wanted to have sex with someone else. That’s pretty fucked up intellectually and emotionally dishonest. I appreciate there are other and sometimes many other reasons for breaking up.

    I can see where I have been a possessive insecure arsebag in the past and to some degree I have overcome them. It’s taken till my fuckadesirability score (not my assessment) to take a nose dive till I learnt the lesson and I generally find is not in concord with who I am attracted to sexually (I’m being and arsebag again/dirty old man). Though I confess when I was totally and seemingly adorable and I must be taken home and played with I ensured I was in a position to do so (single).

    another question

    How do you bring up the subject?… is it during the chat up stage? after the first fuck? after 5 years and the idea of celibacy starts looking ominous?

    Do poly amorous relationships turn into a competition or not usually an issue? when it is an issue is it the “loser” who has an issue with it or more to do with domesticity management issues?. I’ve only ever known two couples in a open relationship…with one it seemed to work perfectly (my first encounter and didn’t enquire too much). With another it turned into frequency modulation problem..at one point HE was out most evenings grooming casual relationships (though I cant vouch how open he was with his one night stand partners knowing him well I would think he would be up front about it)

    I guess I am interested in the practical side of this issue.

    Pardon all the qualifiers and side thoughts in brackets. It’s an interesting subject and agree with your premise that we’re all poly amorous already and just have to come to terms in admitting it and living it… so…more preconditioned rules I have to have a good hard close look at.

  6. LOL Ok, maybe fun was the wrong word. Many people view sex as almost sacred and an expression of love. My guy and I find it more like fun sport. We have other ways of expressing love. Does that make more sense?

  7. TheMan said

    I see it as fun too and a very intimate expression… not particularly interested in little TheMan in any gender running around. I just refused to accept that the fun of it shouldn’t taper away over time…like the story of the “Peas in the Jar” normally attributed to married couples. But experience tells me differently. Of which I take my share of the blame. The idea of an open relationship sounds ideal to me….but so does being single and fucking around whilst pursuing other fun interests. Between the two I can see the economic benefits of being in an open relationship rather than being single and enjoying casual sex.

    I’m expressing an interest in the logistics of it all…. I can see it intellectually but I also suffer from delusions… :)

    I have an opportunity here to explore any pitfalls… but I am coming from a faulty premise of this possibly saving a long term relationship.

  8. Rystefn said

    To TheMan:

    “Yes…good sex is fun but is good sex only possible in a poly amorous relationship?”

    Not at all. There are lots of people out there in monogamous relationships having good sex, I’m sure. The real question is: what are the odds you’ll be in a relationship with someone who is into everything you’re into and not into anything you’re not into? Pretty slim, I’d say. So what happens when one person into something the other doesn’t like? They go out and find someone else who’s into it.

    “How do you bring up the subject?… is it during the chat up stage? after the first fuck? after 5 years and the idea of celibacy starts looking ominous?”

    That varies from person to person. I know a few people who came to it after being in a relationship for a long time, but more often, that just turns into a relationship-ending fight. Me, I bring it up early. Usually during the flirting stage, the rest of the time during the first date. As a generality, of course. I’m pretty up-front and open about it, and I occasionally assume that someone must already know because of how long they’ve known me or which other people I know they hang out with or something like that. It is extremely jarring for them to meet another girlfriend one morning or something like that.

    “Do poly amorous relationships turn into a competition or not usually an issue? when it is an issue is it the “loser” who has an issue with it or more to do with domesticity management issues?. I’ve only ever known two couples in a open relationship…with one it seemed to work perfectly (my first encounter and didn’t enquire too much). With another it turned into frequency modulation problem..at one point HE was out most evenings grooming casual relationships (though I cant vouch how open he was with his one night stand partners knowing him well I would think he would be up front about it)”

    Any relationship turning into a competition is a bad thing (barring people for whom that’s their particular kink, of course). It happens sometimes, with poly and with mono folks, and it almost never ends well. It’s an easy trap to fall into, though, and it’s more common than the poly community generally admits to. The common solution is lots and lots of communication and blah-blah-blah. My response is the same as when people I’m not sleeping with have more lovers than I: “Good for you, let me know if you learn anything fun out there.”

  9. jackrayner said

    Nice! I think I tried putting it across this way when I first came out to everyone on Facebook as “polyamorous”, but I might have put it differently. Either that, or some of the people I know that cried about the *implications* of what I was saying ["There's a difference between agreeing to not fuck other people, and *not wanting* to fuck other people. If that's upsetting well, welcome to reality!"] were kind of stupid.

    Anyways, I’ll go catch up on the comments now…

  10. TheMan said

    Rystefn…. I nod in agreement with your latest comments.

    Especially “what are the odds you’ll be in a relationship with someone who is into everything you’re into and not into anything you’re not into? Pretty slim, I’d say.

    hence why I am soon to be single…. I’ll then have to work on getting a six-pack just to improve my chances by 2% …

    I’m probably coming across as rather shallow…

    Reading between the lines there it does sound to me your in an incestuous friend group… I get annoyed when I hear things like ” sex will ruin the friendship” When I generally found if you communicate clearly enough it doesn’t have to be that way.

    Coming to think of it… I remember I used to be my old friend xxxxxxx “wednesday night” fuck buddy. She had a “Friday night” one I was aware of and I didn’t have a problem with it. She made it clear early what it was and I was happy to oblige. I wasn’t “in love” which is where most problems start from, but I loved her very much. We used to have a great time catching up on Wednesdays, dinner, wine, some live music and the dash to the chemist. When she ended up wanting a steady with Mr Friday… I felt a little bit of hurt but I got over it quick, accepted it for what it was, and we’re still friends. Again that was a while ago…

    But geeze…. Does age really change things that much? ( I think to myself)

    My current partner knows my slutty background and hers was no better…..and that never worried us. We catch up with our respective old fuck buddies occasionally as a group.

    hmmm you have me pondering now….

    nah it won’t work with us…. she’s taken to cleansing the house of bad spirits lately with clarey sage and it makes me sad

    I’m all over the place in this post…. I did say I would be thinking about this all day didn’t I?

  11. Rystefn said

    I have had sex with a great many of my friends, and I highly recommend it to everyone. Sex can’t ruin a friendship, it’s not possible. I can make it better, it can make you realize you shouldn’t be friends faster, or it can tell you that this isn’t a friend you want to have sex with again. That’s it. People who can’t handle sex, on the other hand… those people can ruin the fuck out a friendship in a hurry.

  12. TheMan said

    ahhh…if only some of my old friends saw it the same way.

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