Another Update

Rystefn is still in the hospital, and he’s in less pain now. I guess the doctors finally found something that wold work on him and managed to convince him to take it… or more likely, Kate convinced him. She stayed with him all last night, and to hear him telll it, she was cracking the whip all over the poor staff. She’s staying with him again tonight, and probably every night for as long as he’s there.

I passed along your messages to him today, and you guys lifted his spirits so much. It was nice to see him smiling again, and even to laugh some. I wrote down some responses and I hope I didn’t get anything mixed-up. He’s still in and out of it sometimes, and it’s hard to sort out inside jokes from… you know.

Jadedwon: It would be more profound to see an atheist praying, but he appreciates the sentiment, if not the thought, anyway.

Elyse: He said he would love for you to smuggle him your boobs any time but that he was going to not say anything crude about tacos and that you would either be very proud or very disappoined about that. Then he said that if you’re disappointed, you could bring him your taco, and he would kiss it better.

Kimbo Jones: If he added anything to your life by disagreeing with you, then he feels that his life truly has meaning. He says that since you can’t pay it back, to please try to pay it forward.

SteveT: Daughters certainly do count, and any prayer that involves kissing pretty girls is the right kind

Killyosaur: He says to remind you that he’s lived more in his 28 years as most two people twice his age, and that 112 is quite a respectable age, thank you. Then he said not to mourn for him dying so young, but to mourn for the world losing him after too short a time.

Improbable Bee: Kiss whoever you want to kiss. That’s the important bit. Then he started talking about showers and rain, and I don’t know if that’s for you or not, but it was very sexy.

Masala Skeptic: He said he very much enjoyed your company, and that he would have shared as many drunken nights with you as you could want. Then he pretended to apologize for checking out your butt when you turned away from him.

JanieBelle: He says to kiss your Kate the way he kisses him Kate and he’ll call it square. If you send him graphic descriptions.

Bug Girl: He says to thank you for caring so much and that he’s sorry he snapped. You were trying to help, and he was an ass.

If I missed anyone, I’m very, very sorry. Remind me and I’ll pass it on tomorrow. He appreciates all the kind thoughts and wants you to know he loves you all very much.

Update on Rystefn

Um, hi. I’m the one who typed in the last post for Rystefn. I posted this already over at the skepchick site, but it was suggested that I put it here as well. I just copied and pasted it, so it might not fit here so well…

I looked around and didn’t see a good place to put this. I’m sorry if its not right. Rystefn talked about you guys a lot and I think he would want you to know what’s going on. So I’m going to just say it here, and if its wrong you can move it or whatever.

Last night, he took a turn for the worse. The pain was so bad, he finally let me take him to the hospital. If you know him well, you know how bad that is. He did make me type in something for him before we left. He was always so stubborn…

Late this morning, he woke up and asked for water. He seemed very normal at first, thanking me for being kind to him and generally being very sweet. After a few minutes, though, I realized he wasn’t talking to me… He spent most of this morning talking to the memory of his high-school sweetheart… I think that’s when it finally sunk in that I might actually be losing him. He was always so full of life, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that he would beat this. I guess wishing doesn’t make it so. Not even if you want it to really bad.

They won’t let me stay with him overnight because I’m not family. Not in the way they demand, anyway. I wish I could. He doesn’t sleep well alone, and he should be with someone he cares about right now… Anyway, I’m going back tomorrow morning, and if want me to pass along any messages, I will.

Feel free to reply here, or if its more private you can email me at sabrina.remainsATgmailDOTcom

I know this isn’t the place to ask you to pray for him, and he wouldn’t want you to even if it was… but I don’t really know what atheists do in situations like this. Whatever it is, please do it… and do it for me, too.

The Last Post

I am dictating this post to my very close friend, Sabrina. She didn’t want me to say anything, but I insisted. I’m stubborn that way, I suppose. The pain has been increasing drastically of late, and my fine motor control suffers greatly. It’s been all I could do to post a few short comments today, and I could not make this post on my own. If there are any mistakes, please do not hold her accountable, they are my own and not hers.

I apologize for my absence lately… I could blame the hurricane, but that would be dishonest. It was the smallest part. I have been a coward trying to avoid facing the reality of what is happening to me. I have outlived expectations by almost a month at this point, probably more through stubbornness than anything else. I cannot expect it to last much longer. I’m no doctor, so I won’t hazard to guess how long I have, but I do not imagine it to be long. I am in pain to the point that even breathing is a chore and a struggle. I cannot trust by body to follow instructions and cannot rely on it to even walk more than a few step at a time without aid. My vision is unreliable, at best.

I want you all to know that you’re very important to me. So very many of you have helped me through this terrible time, and I owe you more than I can say. It seems so wrong, after the life I’ve led, that I’ll almost certainly die in my bed. I’d like to thank those of you who followed my request to do something new and to tell me about it. It warms my heart to know you’re not all so lost to the world that you can’t shake free for at least a moment. In recognition of this, I’m going to take a break from tradition, and respond to your last requests. Ask and I’ll do whatever I am actually physically capable of accomplishing. All requests are honored within my limited capacities. Not I didn’t say “within reason.” I don’t gives a damn about reason. Keep in mind that I not long ago spent a rather large sum of money on an extravagant present for someone, so if your request is expensive, I’ll have to pass.

I don’t expect to be posting here myself again (hence the name of the post), but if Sabrina is willing (I am), I’ll ask her to make appropriate posts later as required by your requests, and to make replies to the comments here if needed.

In parting, I’d like you to please remember that I love you all.

Regrets

This isn’t the first post I’ve had difficulty writing. This isn’t the first time I’ve delayed writing something because putting something baddownin words makes it feel more real. This is a post I feel I must write, though, and time is not my friend. It becomes clearer and clearer to me every day just how few chances I have left to say the things that need to be said. Every day, the fight to stay and finish the last things I have to do becomes harder. So now I have to face that fact that I will not be able to finish them all. This will be rather more melancholy than my last list, and for that I apologize, but here is the list of things I regret…

• I regret that there are so many wonderful people out there I will never meet
• I regret that there are places I’ve never been
• I regret the wrongs I’ve done which cannot be undone
• I regret the wrongs I could have undone but did not
• I regret that there are so many in the preceding category
• I regret that my daughter died before me
• I regret the violence I’ve done
• I regret that I was a thief
• I regret that I couldn’t make my wife happy
• I regret that I will never finish my story
• I regret half-finished painting
• I regret that I’ve never swam with sea lions
• I regret that I cannot say goodbye to L
• I regret that I will never raise a child
• I regret every name I’ve ever forgotten
• I regret that I didn’t carve her name into the side of a mountain in mile-high letters
• I regret the stories I said I’d write but haven’t

• I regret words left unsaid

Mostly, though, I regret that I was never good enough for my Dove. Of all the things left undone in my life, the things I really could have changed, nothing hurts so much as the knowledge that I promised her that I would always be there for her, that if she ever needed for anything, I would always be waiting… and I failed. I’ve had good frineds in my life, and I’ve knownlove beyond any words I could ever say. I’ve never deserved any of it. If any of you evermeet her again after I am gone,  let her know that I loved her. That is the only truly good thing I can claim, the only real value in my life. If she misses me after I’m gone, please tell her not to cry – I’ve shed enough tears for the both of us.